A Realization...Thank you “Katie”!
Time changes much. I have dwelt quite a bit on recent events, and tried to make changes for the better. I have tried to be more aware of everything my words could possibly mean, I have tried to avoid topics or forums that I fear will bring about anything less than total peace. I have tiptoed. I have guarded. I have adopted paranoia for a time.
But a recent occurrence outside of this place has brought something back into sharp focus for me. Something I held most dear and most special when I first came here. And I swore it would be my way of dealing with things in it's entirety. I would never stray from this path. But I did. I became afraid. I became so afraid. And so I tried to pull back into my little shell, again. And even pulling back and hiding, it seemed everything I touched turned dark and bleak because I dared to glance at it.
I learned a lesson this weekend. A very strong and powerful lesson.
Never let anything make you willingly stray from the truth of who and what you are!
I came here and my promise to myself was to be completely truthful and honest and open in everything I did/said. To not throw up my guard. But to be accepting of everything around me and everyone and try as best as I could to truly understand others and their journeys. Because we have all come from places that no one can understand like we, ourselves, can. And that uniqueness has the potential to create a community stronger and better than any other support site.
But, when we begin to be afraid, paranoid, feel as though we do not fit, or do not belong... When we let fear and uncertainty reign free in our hearts and minds, all that will be bred from our words will be fear, uncertainty, and only enough care and compassion as we believe we can spare without being hurt, ourselves.
And how do we relate? Everything we relate to, we relate by finding similarities from our own experiences! How else can we invoke understanding and compassion from our hearts to it's fullest? By finding something we do understand. That is not to say that one will ever fully understand and be able to relate to another, but through this manner, we can do so as best as is possible for each of us.
Within my mind, these thoughts have been restless for release. But they had not been truly understood. They have now. I do understand that now.
I am "young", yes. I have no qualms about saying, that like everyone here, I need guidance at times. I make mistakes, sometimes too many. But show me a soul who does not.
My lesson I learned,
Never let anything make you willingly stray from the truth of who and what you are!
The moment you do, you have failed yourself and someone who needed you.
And so, yes, I am going back to my ways from the beginning. I will be truthful. Honest and true. I will try always to understand where others are coming from, yet, with the knowledge that I can only understand to a point, for I have not lived their lives. I will be open. I have been warned by friends here to guard myself. No. If I pull back into that shell and peek out fearfully....I will be less than what I am. I will not be me.
And it was the openness of my heart and mind, the compassion that sprouts from truth and a deep desire to understand that allowed me to make a decision this weekend. A decision all were telling me to choose the other path. But I remained true to my heart and who I am.
Now I know the truth. Now I understand, as best as a soul can another soul. And I have grown a little older, a little wiser, and the love I considered rebuking and letting drown from indignation, embarrassment and anger...has shone strong and steady through all of this.
I do not have a Katie to think of and pray for and call a little sister. But I do have a Natalie to pray for and to think about, and to love. For in all of the pretending, I have no doubt that much of who she is was a part of who Katie was.
I can never thank Natalie enough for teaching me this lesson, nor can I thank her enough for bringing a very special light into my life....her. And, yes, my love for Katie was also a love for Natalie. I hope one day I will be able to talk to her again, and maybe even become friends.
Follow your heart, your soul and never, never, never rebuke who you are...when you do...you will fall and fail someone somewhere, even if it is only you.
I finally feel at peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment