http://www.youtube.com/user/RikkuDeBlitzbalQueen#p/a/u/0/vg1ivfEr_iw

Please check this out.  It speaks to the heart and really touches times and places where we all have been. 

Thanks,

Sabienne

Manic Poem Writing

I can't sleep, mind is racing too much. We had snow today, which is rare in PA for October. So, I wrote a poem. Sometimes I love being manic because it seems like it's when I write the best stuff and I hope to be done a book in a few weeks. Please let me know what you think.
Finally finished my White Halloween poem. Please let me know what you think"
White Halloween
© 2011 by Jessica Marie. All rights reserved and no copying.
I’m dreaming of a white Halloween
none like the ones I knew before;
what’s that above the frozen flake, the ghoul queen?
Dressed in her finest black and purple hat
and ghosts hide and play,
under snowy grass, waiting to attack and spook
trick-or-treaters haunting streets all day,
rob them blind of their Pay Days and Milky Ways,
but what about Dracula’s fangs or red wax lips—
gnashing and gnawing, can they save their booty?
No, no match to the invisible ghosts and their finger tips,
and the ghoul queen, green as could be,
hungry not for blood, but a good treat.
So, I’m dreaming of a white Halloween,
like none of the ones I knew before,
where invisible ghosts due to eight inches of snow,
mean no harm, it’s only fear and lore,
and hunger for candy not eaten in years,
but they will share with trick-or-treaters
and the scarecrows of the lawns and the ghoul queen,
trick all night of blood jelly fill the liters—
unlike the horrors and the frights;
I’m dreaming of a white Halloween
not like the ones I used to know,
where I can befriend ghost and a ghoulish queen.

(Young Lust) Love Poem

(Young Lust) Love Poem




Dear Clay,

I write to you,

not only because my love

is too strong, it’s true—

I digress, I write to you,

because I will be sending along

my green jersey, #52, worn through

and blessed by the glory of Lambeau,

a pilgrimage I will never forget;

saving money high and low

to see this wonderful shrine, the team and you!

But, anyway, I digress again,

I write to you, I know, I’m past due;

in two weeks’ time I will be buying anew,

#52 is peeling from too much wear,

and living in Philadelphia (boo!)

I get heckled ten-fold from mad

Eagles’ fans crazy for Vick

(in which ways I am not sure, some call him bad).

So, if you would please,

considering how much I love you,

please sign my favorite jersey;

it’s the least you can do—

coming all the way from Philly

to see and love you

and harassed for my team spirit,

it would mean the world to me,

to see my jersey and hear it

(that you signed my jersey, I’d smile and gloat in glee)

that Clay Matthews lovingly signed

my favorite, worn out, faded green jersey.

(though worn out would be an understatement,

as anyone who knows me can testify,

that my love for you and the Packers is a testament

to the fact that I bleed green and yellow,

and wins that make you 6-0 fill me with joyous bellows.)



Love (and forever yours),

Jessica



P.S. You will find attached to this letter,

a picture of me this Halloween dressed up as you,

to get an idea that is much better

than this letter can ever express to you,

that my fanaticism runs deep and is true.



(P.S.S: Although I will never be an Eagles fan,

I forgive your brother that he sold his skills

to this “dream team,” the Ducks should ban—

but, I understand; it’s a career start,

and could provide interesting competition when you two no longer part.)

And so One More Minute Ticks By

A Realization...Thank you “Katie”!

Time changes much.  I have dwelt quite a bit on recent events, and tried to make changes for the better.  I have tried to be more aware of everything my words could possibly mean, I have tried to avoid topics or forums that I fear will bring about anything less than total peace.  I have tiptoed.  I have guarded.  I have adopted paranoia for a time. 

But a recent occurrence outside of this place has brought something back into sharp focus for me.  Something I held most dear and most special when I first came here.  And I swore it would be my way of dealing with things in it's entirety.  I would never stray from this path.  But I did.  I became afraid.  I became so afraid.  And so I tried to pull back into my little shell, again.  And even pulling back and hiding, it seemed everything I touched turned dark and bleak because I dared to glance at it. 

I learned a lesson this weekend.  A very strong and powerful lesson. 

Never let anything make you willingly stray from the truth of who and what you are! 

I came here and my promise to myself was to be completely truthful and honest and open in everything I did/said.  To not throw up my guard.  But to be accepting of everything around me and everyone and try as best as I could to truly understand others and their journeys.  Because we have all come from places that no one can understand like we, ourselves, can.  And that uniqueness has the potential to create a community stronger and better than any other support site. 

But, when we begin to be afraid, paranoid, feel as though we do not fit, or do not belong...  When we let fear and uncertainty reign free in our hearts and minds, all that will be bred from our words will be fear, uncertainty, and only enough care and compassion as we believe we can spare without being hurt, ourselves. 

And how do we relate?  Everything we relate to, we relate by finding similarities from our own experiences!  How else can we invoke understanding and compassion from our hearts to it's fullest?  By finding something we do understand.  That is not to say that one will ever fully understand and be able to relate to another, but through this manner, we can do so as best as is possible for each of us. 

Within my mind, these thoughts have been restless for release.  But they had not been truly understood.  They have now.  I do understand that now. 

I am "young", yes.  I have no qualms about saying, that like everyone here, I need guidance at times.  I make mistakes, sometimes too many.  But show me a soul who does not. 

My lesson I learned,

Never let anything make you willingly stray from the truth of who and what you are! 

The moment you do, you have failed yourself and someone who needed you.

And so, yes, I am going back to my ways from the beginning.  I will be truthful.  Honest and true.  I will try always to understand where others are coming from, yet, with the knowledge that I can only understand to a point, for I have not lived their lives.  I will be open.  I have been warned by friends here to guard myself.  No.  If I pull back into that shell and peek out fearfully....I will be less than what I am.  I will not be me. 

And it was the openness of my heart and mind, the compassion that sprouts from truth and a deep desire to understand that allowed me to make a decision this weekend.  A decision all were telling me to choose the other path.  But I remained true to my heart and who I am. 

Now I know the truth.  Now I understand, as best as a soul can another soul.  And I have grown a little older, a little wiser, and the love I considered rebuking and letting drown from indignation, embarrassment and anger...has shone strong and steady through all of this. 

I do not have a Katie to think of and pray for and call a little sister.  But I do have a Natalie to pray for and to think about, and to love.   For in all of the pretending, I have no doubt that much of who she is was a part of who Katie was. 

I can never thank Natalie enough for teaching me this lesson, nor can I thank her enough for bringing a very special light into my life....her.  And, yes, my love for Katie was also a love for Natalie.  I hope one day I will be able to talk to her again, and maybe even become friends. 

Follow your heart,  your soul and never, never, never rebuke who you are...when you do...you will fall and fail someone somewhere, even if it is only you. 

I finally feel at peace.

6 Month

Six months--
the clouds take the sky again;
gray and foreboding, how, why, when?
bang, bang-- the thunder cracks -- boom,
teeming, blue, frigid violent waters loom;
numb, terrified, the salt fills my lungs.
How, why, when, my tears have stung
my raw, white-blue cheeks, the waves crash,
pulling me under, your screaming clash;
the cacophony of confusion-- gurgling water and cries--
I want to save you, my heavy heart lies,
unconscious, drowned, defeated upon the shores.


Six months--
the clouds take the sky again;
I want to scream, has anything changed?
The guilt that gnashes, I wanted,
I could have saved you; why, why, why?
these wounds and voices will never leave me,
as darkness embraces me,
a hollow realization visits, haunting--
six months, am I any stronger?




Today marks the 6 month anniversary of Jim and the McAndrew family's death. Let us take a moment of silence for Jim and his family.

Free Write

I was up at 4am. I hate when my mind races and I can't sleep. Besides, it was really hot in nan's house. So, I wrote a free write at 5am waiting for the bus. It may not make sense.   No longer the sands of sleep Rests upon my heavy eyelids— Moths of twilight fly deep, Basking in the moonlight; Hiding from encroaching dawn. Air becomes restricting and tight— Restlessness, nightmares, fear, Slumber once peaceful, a grave mistake; Butterflies of discord tear Once beautiful memories, gone, Replaced by tears, oak and concrete— I wish I never knew you, dawn. I think I know why I've been really depressed the past few days. Saturday marked 5 months since Jim was gone. I cried so hard last night. Why is this really tough?

Dare I Breathe? Dare I Hope?

Poetry - Hope, Dreams


A little slow and off at the beginning, but it's been a while, so I'm not devastated!  Free Verse.  And the slow unveiling of a distant dream and a woman fights to breathe and to live....and most of all....to fly.


Zin


Dare I Breathe?  Dare I Hope?


Dare I breathe?  Dare I hope?  
For too long now, the page has been stark white
A bloodied wound begging to be healed
A barren soil with no fruit to nurture
Those tears that have fallen,
Have been shed in empty woes
For not a word of it has been drawn
For anyone else to know


Deep within I feel her rise
Dare I breathe?  Dare I hope?


Like a dream I look to the paper
The white blinding my soul,
But within the light, I see a shadow
A hand reaching, slowly stretching


Trembling
Dare I breathe?  Dare I hope?


I look to the pages that all came before,
Weaving this world with words,
But not a one do I see,
nor will I find
For this has remained


Within me.  
Dare I breathe?  Dare I hope?


The long, delicate fingers
That reach out of that light,
Bend and they twist
And dance once more do they!


Oh, what ecstasy!  Oh, what a delight!
I feel her move.  
I feel her rise.
No more to remain
Only with me,
She raises her head,
It's her time to live!


Raise your head, dear Rain,
Hold it up high!
For here, sweet Rain,
I dare to breathe!
I dare to hope!


And so I dare to fly!


And when I fly...


So Will You!


7.30.2011
C.S.Haynes (Zin)


Copyright © 2011 by C.S. Haynes
All Rights Reserved

A Toast!!

Poem - Loss, Hope, Peace, Celebration

To Jim and "Nose Pierced Beauty"!!

I cry with you,  and I will toast with you tonight!

A Toast to Jim...

May the angels surround you
and give out a cry...
Jim IS alive
and in death he does not lie!

We raise our glasses,
to his memory we hold high...
and in the center of the circle,
his spirit catches my eye.

A laughter of delight,
a fond kiss does he give,
he loves you my dear,
and hopes you will long live!

He is waiting for you,
all smiles and high hopes,
that in this life where you tread,
with his death you can cope.

For God lifts high
those with bright smiles,
to touch a soul for a moment,
is why they walked the miles.

So raise your glass high,
Mine I will too,
as his spirit lifts high
and he watches only you.

To Jim do we cheer,
he lived his life well,
now raise up your glass,
his memory we will not fail!

Hugz to you!

Zin

Quiet Summer Morning

Today would have been Jim's 24th birthday. It's so sad he can't celebrate it. The posts today in his memorial via Facebook really got to me:

You should be celebrating today. I keep thinking of how many wonderful things happened to me after I turned 24 and how you deserved to have all those life experiences and so much more. Happy Birthday Jimbo ♥

Happy 24th broseph. It's sad to think of all the crazy awesome things you should be doing to celebrate right now. I'm sure drinking a hoegaarden or three would be involved so I'll make sure to toast to you with one tonight. Wish you were here, kid. Summer ain't the same without ya.


Happy birthday jimbo! Heaven probably has awesome party's (:


Next Friday will mark 5 months since he's been gone. It still really hurts me to think about. I am crying as we speak. It just feels surreal. I wrote this poem today. Tell me what you think.

Quiet Summer Morning (Birthday Mourning)


صباح هادئ الصيف (الحداد عيد ميلاد)



Deep blue and purple hues flood the sky العميق الأشكال الزرقاء والأرجوانية الفيضانات السماء ،

Over the house where the slain lie فوق المنزل حيث تكمن القتيل.

The birds coo and sing, وسجع الحمائم والغناء ،

At the stroke of six, the bells begin to ring; في ضربة لستة أطفال ، لتبدأ أجراس عصابة؛

Slow and doleful, a dreadful dirge— بطيئة وكئيبة ومخيفة، نشيد وطني



Like the day the tears stained and purged مثل اليوم الدموع الملون وتطهير.

April is the cruelest month—March even crueler أبريل هو أقسى من شهر مارس حتى أشد قسوة،

Alas, I wish the day was April Fools— للأسف ، وأتمنى اليوم الذي أبريل السفيه،

Snow as white as a clean cotton swab; كما الثلج الأبيض الذي مسحة القطن النظيفة ;

A calm blue sky sobs الهدوء تنهدات السماء الزرقاء.

As blackness penetrates, night falls كما تخترق السواد، هبوط الليل

The death knell once so far now calls. ناقوس الموت مرة واحدة حتى الان تدعو الآن.

Earth is cloaked in impenetrable darkness ترتدي الأرض في الظلام لا يمكن اختراقها؛

As this fury of the flurries replace in starkness وهذا الغضب من تلك الثلوج في استبدال صارخ

And covers the shallow grave; ويغطي القبر الضحلة؛



The bitterness and coldness rips and shaves ومزقت المرارة وبرودة والحلاقة

tears and the once alive, happy face. والدموع على قيد الحياة مرة واحدة، وجها سعيدا.

Diiiiing, dooonng, the droning bells loom قرع، دونغ ، اجراس متكاسل تلوح في الأفق

Loom, loom, looming of the doom تلوح في الأفق ، تلوح في الأفق ، يلوح في الأفق من عذاب

In the rap, rap, rapping of six. في موسيقى الراب، الراب ، موسيقى الراب من ستة أفراد.

The memory that remains licks; الذاكرة التي لا يزال يلعق؛

Dew of the hot, humid day ahead, الندى من اليوم، والساخنة الرطبة القادمة ،

Reminds me of the day that tread. يذكرني اليوم الذي معالجته.

On this peaceful July morning في هذا الصباح يوليو السلمية ،

I sit amongst the flowers pouring; أجلس بين الزهور تتدفق؛

Tears that flow, the wish you الدموع التي تتدفق، وأتمنى لكم

Could have lived to see 24 too كان يمكن أن يعيش ليرى أيضا 24

And the other years that were meant والسنوات الأخرى التي كان من المفترض

To be filled with meaning, not spent— أن تكون مليئة معنى، وليس المستنفد

Happy birthday, you will never be forgotten. عيد ميلاد سعيد، وأنك لن تكون منسية.

Poem, Despair and Hope, Religious, "Listen - A Note From God"

"Listen - A Note From God"


In the darkness, I hear a scream.
It echos through the night eerie and cold.
What pain does this voice hold.
What darkness does this soul try to keep.

What is your fear child?
Darkness cannot harm you.
For darkness cannot penetrate light
And you are surrounded by the light!

Why do you cry child?
When the wind kisses away your tears.
And the birds sing just for you.
And the water laughs in delight because you graced it with a glance.

Why do you stare at the sky with longing in your eyes, child?
When you have wings on your back,
Soft and strong!
And the wind would rather die and never blow again than to drop you.

Why do you not laugh, child?
When the squirrels do their acrobatics just for you.
When the flowers dance at your biding.
When your laughter would create life.

Why do you stare at death, child?
When Death is the one who envy’s you,
Who turns his head, because life has embraced you and he cannot touch you.
When there is so much beauty and wonder before you, just for you, child.

Why do you not run, child?
When your legs are strong, your heart is pure.
When the deer await you, to bound with you, to share in the joy with you.
When the wind is at your back and God awaits you with open arms.

Why do you not smile, child?
When this place with all it’s beauty was created....

Just for you.

Why do you stare into the holes in the ground, child?
When the clouds are soaring past.
The hawk is calling your name.
And the wolf is waiting to walk and talk with you.

Why do you turn away and hesitate, child?
When heaven lays before you.
When love surrounds you.
When light shines upon you.

Sweet child,

You are who this beautiful world was made for.
Walk with Me and let Me show you it’s wonders.
Lay in the grass beside Me and let Me show you the stars.
Fall asleep in My arms and let Me sing you a lullaby.

Let the worries and the anger and the fear melt away.
For in this place, nothing can touch you.
I won’t let it.

I will keep you safe, daughter.
I will love you with all my heart.
I will hold you and dance with you and sing with you.
I will read stories and explore with you.
I will tell you how the world was made.
I will tell you how the angels can fly.
I will sing you songs that haven’t been heard for thousands of years.

And you will sit in My lap.
You will want for nothing.
I shall keep you close.

Just remember that before you come to me,
Enjoy My creations.
Enjoy My miracles.

Laugh, child.
Because your laughter brings joy to so many others.

I gave you life.  It is My gift to you.
Make the most of it.
Touch others with it.
For in the end, your touch will be more important that you can possibly imagine.

March 9, 2000

Zin Written for Kim

Copyright © 2000 by C.S. Haynes
All Rights Reserved.

Rules for Posting

First off, common sense, but I'll throw it in any way.  This is a privately operated blog.  Meaning, if I don't like it, I don't have to let it on my blog.  So, be aware of that very first and most important rule.  I'm too old to be intimidated or coerced into putting anything up I don't want, so do yourself a favor, and don't even bother.

The following are rules for posting on this blog.  Should you break any of these rules, you will immediately be placed on probation.  If you do so again, all posting privileges will be revoked and you will be banned from this blog.

1.      All writings should contain a "subject" and "genre" heading.  We seek to categorize the posts in order for others to be able to find what they wish to read more quickly, and to warn those who do not wish to read on that particular subject matter.

2.     For the moment, there are no restrictions on religion, political views, opinions, illnesses, or number of posts.  All genres will be accepted, unless one is taken advantage of or is used to try to sway or press the opinions and beliefs of others to conform to something they do not believe in.  That is a very quick way to get booted.

3.     Some subjects are frowned upon on this blog, and others are simply not permitted.  Suicide is frowned upon, as the purpose of this site is to help people to heal.  Pornographic  writings will not be tolerated.  Some sexual content is allowed so long as it is done tastefully. I will leave this open to add upon as I see necessary.

4.     Please sign your writings and/or messages.

5.     Any suggestions, recommendations or ideas to improve this site are welcome.  I certainly can't think of everything!

Thanks for your attention.  I can't wait to start reading.

This post will be added to a permanent page to be available at all times.

Zin